1 Nov 2015

A Halloween Breakthrough!!!

by | posted in: D.C., Day In The Life, Paean | 1
Me, not me. It's about time!
Me, not me. It’s about time!

Now I understand it!

I get Halloween!

All of my life, I have never understood nor enjoyed Halloween. I just didn’t get it. Why would anyone cover themselves in sticky fake blood and go out in cold weather to do jello shots? What can be accomplished by being a trollopy milk maid in public in late October? I’ve never seen the zombie zeitgeist as some sort of catharsis for a society living in fear and isolation; I see it as creepy and tacky, not to mention disorienting, especially when you see a pack of zombies doing jello shots or doing a 5k run or both.

But I figured out the appeal last night! It’s not that you have to be scary or uncomfortable on Halloween; you don’t have to dwell on the undead or be some bizarre, modern version of an ancient pagan. It’s that on Halloween, you can be someone else. You can take the briefest break from being you, and this is a great gift. Do you know how exasperating it is to be me? Sure, because you know how exhausting it is to be you. We’re all living, breathing (beautiful) disasters. Who wouldn’t want to jump out of your disaster and into another one once a year?

I’ve mentioned my fancy-schmancy home in DC — the Kennedy Warren building on Connecticut Avenue — has a beautiful bar inside the building. It’s all dark wood and chrome with lots of plush velvet chairs and couches, a grand piano. A jazz trio plays in the evening. Politicians hang out there, journalists hang out there. Well, there was a Halloween do last night and I went down to see what was what. Of course I needed to wear a costume, so I put on the pair of funny glasses I happen to have and attached to my necklace a bow-tie I happen to have. I went and put on black trousers, a vest, my best Prada patent leather shoes with the steel heel (haaaaay!) and my black trench coat. Suddenly…I was not me!

I had so much fun last night. I met many cool people and several came up to my place for a nightcap. It was a wonderful Halloween and I have made peace with the holiday as of now. Incredibly, I’m already looking forward to next year. How about that.

*To Hannah, the incredible fan who sent me a carton of candy pumpkins… Hannah, you are a treasure of a human being. Thank you. I ate handfuls of them when they arrived. Pumpkins from heaven.

7 Oct 2015

15 Reasons I Don’t Like Halloween.

by | posted in: Day In The Life, Rant | 1
Halloween revelers, 1998. Photo: Wikipedia
Halloween revelers, 1998. Photo: Wikipedia

Reasons I don’t like Halloween:

1. Never enough candy punkins
2. People hang enormous fuzzy spiders all over their front porches
3. People hang enormous rubber zombies all over their front porches
4. People hang enormous gauzy ghosts all over their front porches
5. People hang out in enormously inappropriate costumes on their front porches
6. Pumpkin spice liquor (See No. 5)
7. Orange and black are gross colors together
8. Plastic Things
9. Fake blood, real blood, blood mix
10. Not all children who trick o’ treat come prepared with a joke or trick
11. If you dress up to go to a party, you have to try to drink a cocktail without the use of your hands or mouth or both, as they are covered, wrapped up, hidden deep in a plastic lobster claw (see image), or coated with oil-based paint, usually green.
12. Everlasting Gobstoppers
13. Itchy
14. Snow possible
15. Deep brooding on entropy and decay as the faces of jack-o-lanterns begin to rot and cave in on themselves

Well, it’s true!

18 Oct 2014

THE TALE OF THE KNIFE LADY! FOR HALLOWEEEEEEEN!!!!!

by | posted in: Story | 0
Image: Straight up stolen from Daily Kitchen.com. It's good enough to risk a cease and desist letter.
Image: Straight up stolen from Daily Kitchen.com. It’s good enough to risk a cease and desist letter.

Would you like to hear a spoooooooky story? One juuuuuuust perfect for a night like toniiiiiiight, so clooooooose to Halloweeeeeeen?

:: wiggles fingers ::

You dooooooooo? Okay, here’s what happened and every part of this story is 100% true:

My favorite fabric shears need to be sharpened and also my kitchen knife needs to be sharpened. (No, I can’t sharpen these things myself: I have a tiny sharpening stone and can kinda use it with the knife but damn near ruined my scissors on it. I need help.) Yuri found a place in Chinatown that will sharpen anything you can brandish, so we made our way down there today. He wasn’t excited about the errand; we just wanted to take a walk together.

And sooooo it waaaaaaaas that a essentially mild-mannered, normal-enough, mid-thirties white woman went walking through a fair stretch of Manhattan…

WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE IN HER TOTEBAG!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Then! The niiiiice couple went to an open-air bar in the Seaport Historic District, down by the Brooooooooooklyn Bridge because a mid-afternoon glaaaaaaaaass of wiiiiiiiiine soooooounded refreshing. The young man went to order the drinks. The white lady sat in the window. She hung her totebag on the purse hook underneath the bar. She pulled out her magazine and…

THE BUTCHER KNIFE FELL ON THE FLOOR OF THE BAR AND EVERYONE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY SAW IT AND THEY ALL SCREAMED AND WERE LIKE, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!”

The white lady scrambled to pick up the knife! She laughed a weak laugh! She gave a shrug of her shoulders as if to say, “Long story” and she stuffed the knife back in her totebag, ignoring the looks of DEATH AND FEAR FROM EVERYONE IN THE BAR!!!!

AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Happy Halloween!