A Brief: Washingtonian

posted in: Poetry 18
The Lincoln Memorial from the back, under construction. Photo: Wikipedia.
The Lincoln Memorial from the back, under construction. Photo: Wikipedia.

 

So it’s been over a year since I lived in Washington. Remember all that? Go back to November 2014 (you can click on the archives filter and get to it fastest that way) and read all about it. Heartbreak, unrest, rats. Cold.

I was looking for another poem for another reason and remembered that I wrote this one and never shared it. It’s called “A Brief: Washingtonian” and I rather like it. The meter does stay consistent throughout but you have to practice to get the emphasis on the proper word in some of the verses. (Believe me, I know; I worked on this a long time!)

I hope you enjoy this poem. It’s pretty melancholy but it’s also meant to be sort of sweet.

A Brief: Washingtonian
by Mary Fons (c) 2015

1.

From my art deco castle, I surveyed the land
The rivers, the sidewalks, Msr. L’Enfant’s plan;
The rain days were my best days; I felt kingdom come;
Connecticut Avenue an elephant’s trunk;
I signed the thick lease on December the First,
And I lived in that city and I watched from my perch.

When crinoline petticoat clouds would descend
And wring out the water that they’d been washed in,
The valley would deepen right in front of my eyes;
I loved every tree and miss the mist so:
It sifted the raindrops and slicked all the leaves,
And I’d watch from my throne with a hot cup of tea.

“You live in Washington?” the people would say,
“But how did you get there? and why would you stay?”
(I slouched there in sadness, cast out of Chicago
And New York left a rotted taste in my mouth;
When I fell in D.C. I hit the ground gently;
Not something you count on when you fall accidentally.)

2.

Sovereign Washington straddles two states:
The first offers mountains and wrought iron gates
That open to Arlington’s coveted park;
I saw storms roll in during burials there;
Boys keep on dying; girls at graves must remain —
Virginia’s  for lovers and lovers love the rain.

The other half lives where Baltimore stays;
For Maryland’s only the Beltway away;
Colonist gentry ate plenty of land,
But the pushed, angry fringes refuse to go silent;
Molotov cocktails still light the sky,
We’ve two hundred years of the Fourth of July.

Old Gore Vidal said that D.C. was dead;
All of those legends in a rose garden bed;
All the past generals we’re ordered to owe;
Fathers who stand after years in the ground;
All of these corpses, cemented in stone
And we visit them, worship them, celebrate bones.

Young men in bowties walk to work on the Hill;
Scotch-swilling yes-men have secrets to spill;
They quench and they drench blue blazer lapels,
They pinch all the a**es in reach of their booth;
What hath the rules wrought, what shall become
Of a nation divided, of the coming undone.

Still the hovering District has life stuffed inside;
Buses and restaurants serving the tide
Of young men and women with audible smiles;
Lives here are mixed every way that can mean;
Art anchors the landscape from border to line;
Within days of arrival, I claimed all as mine

And furnished my life there and tastefully, too;
My gorgeous appointment near the National Zoo;
I mixed high and low and the ending result
Was a chamber at once both cozy and gilded;
I worked there and cooked there and looked at my hands
I slept there and kept there and made all sorts of plans.

4.

Then confused, I felt moved to leave D.C. behind;
I could tell all the reasons, but oh, nevermind;
I heid back to Chicago, the prodigal daughter;
Welcomed, embraced, she never stopped loving me;
My loyalty lives there — now returned, so do I,
I was never much more than a Washington spy.

In May, cherry blossoms kiss rows of trees;
I missed them that year (typical me);
I’ll visit them, though, sometime in the future
And try to remember what I needed that year;
I’ll touch the perfume and I’ll be okay —
And I’ll walk through the orchard, queen for a day.

The “Crit” Approacheth. (And I’m Really Writing A Book.)

posted in: Day In The Life, School 6
This is the conference room in the Ministry of Health, in London. I don't know if I'd be more relaxed or less relaxed if this was the conference room where my crit was to be held. Image: Wikipedia.
My image search for “conference room” turned up this one at the Ministry of Health in London. I don’t know if I’d be more relaxed or less relaxed if this was the room I was assigned. Image: Wikipedia.

 

In just over a week, I will have my first-ever, very official, art school critique. I am excited and nervous.

At the School of the Art Institute (SAIC), all classes are cancelled for one week near the end of each term for Crit Week. This is because the formal critique is given great importance here. Every student is assigned a panel of three faculty (visiting artists may also serve on panels) who look at that student’s work the week prior and then critique it with/for her at her appointed time.

My appointed time is Wednesday morning at 9 a.m. I will go into a room and sit in a chair and three people at a table will rip me apart, give me praise, ask me questions, etc. Gah!

Just today, I sent off pages to my panelists. What did I send?

I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you that I am writing a book. I mean a real-life, honest-to-goodness book, you guys. It’s got chapters and everything. It’s a collection of personal essays and I have to tell you: I’ve never worked harder as a writer in my life. There have been times in the past couple years when I got excited about the idea of writing a book — I even sent a proposal to several agents while I was living in D.C. and I did get several letters of interest back — but it wasn’t time and I didn’t have the fire within me.

Now that my quilts and my writing are married like never before, now that I’m exposed to the most extraordinary reading and art I’ve ever known, the fire has been lit. The book is happening. I’ve been working on it since school began. I can’t tell you too much more about it right now because that is dangerous. In fact, one of my advisors said to me the other day, “You should talk less about what you’re writing and just write it, instead.” This is good advice — and he was saying that while holding the latest 15 pages I had turned in that week, so I’m no slouch.

That’s what’s so incredible: I’m churning out pages like crazy because I’ve learned that when you’re really writing a book, it’s like being pregnant. What I mean is, the old saying “You can’t be ‘a little bit pregnant'” seems to parallel the writing of a book if you’re doing it in earnest. If you’re really writing a book, the energy is sort of shocking. There’s no halfway. I feel like this thing is coming — like a baby — and I’m just trying to get to the hospital in time.

True confession: It’s why I’ve been a little slow on posts lately. I’m writing so much but it’s like, where do I turn the hose?

I submitted two excerpts of the book to the crit panel; just over twenty pages. I’ve worked those pages, man. Hours and hours and hours. I’ll let you know how it goes. I thought about posting the panelists’ names and email addresses and so you could all send them super sweet, thinly-veiled threats to be nice to me, but that’s counter-productive: I want the truth. The truth will set you free. The truth is a far better read.

 

 

Exclusive!!! Normal Mary and Holiday Mary TONIGHT!

posted in: Day In The Life 10
Twinkle, twinkle. Photo: Marcus Quigmire via Wikipedia.
Twinkle, twinkle. Photo: Marcus Quigmire via Wikipedia.

 

Tonight, PaperGirl, in partnership with NBC, CBS, ABC, and Netflix and HBO brings you this live, exclusive look into the life of Holiday Mary Fons, straight from Winterset, Iowa. With her now is Normal Mary Fons.

To set the scene: Holiday Mary Fons is lying on the couch, listlessly scrolling through Instagram. There is an empty pie plate nearby; HMF is wearing the same clothes she was wearing yesterday and the day before that. They’re not dirty, they’re just the same clothes. Normal Mary Fons has just finished working out and we are told she did important things all morning.

NMF and HMF have just finished exchanging pleasantries. We now go to the scene in progress:

NORMAL MARY FONS: So what happened?

HOLIDAY MARY FONS: What are you talking about.

NMF: You were going to post about the movie theater and have a special guest on and give an update on your friend. Look, I’ve got the link right here. 

HMF: (Clicks on link; glances at post.) Oh, right, right. Yeah, that wasn’t me.

NMF: Don’t be silly. Of course it was you!

HMF: Nope. (HMF pulls a bag of cheese popcorn from behind the couch, begins to munch.) That’s your blog. I’m in holiday mode.

NMF: (MF looks at screen, then back at HMF, who is accumulating crumbs on her front.) I see.

HMF: Hey, don’t give me any dirty looks. I tried to be you. I had excellent intentions. But then I came to Iowa and it just happened.

NMF: What happened?

HMF: Naps. More naps. Books. Turkey. Frosting. Naps with dreams about gravy and stuff.

NMF: That’s really no excuse when —

HMF: You haven’t had my brother-in-law’s gravy. Trust me: My holiday zone is legit.

NMF: (Frustrated, pacing.) So you’ve had four days of sleeping and gravy, that’s what you’re telling me?

HMF: (Inspects fingers for cheddar cheese dust. Licks.) Yup.

NMF: Well, the party’s over. The holiday is done. It’s time to get back to school, get back to work and — are you listening to me?

(HMF has fallen asleep and is snoring on the couch. NMF goes over and shakes her awake.)

HMF: (Startled, she bolts upright.) WHAT TIME IS IT?!

NMF: Eight o’clock.

HMF: A.M. or P.M.?

NMF: You’re pathetic!

HMF: I’m happy!

NMF: Good!

HMF: Good!

NMF: Fine!

HMF: You fine!

NMF: You need more discipline!

HMF: You need more frosting!

NMF: You should’ve at least hung a sign on the blog to say you were being lazy instead of just disappearing!

HMF: But you’re the one who does that kind of thing, not me! You’re the one who hangs signs and is responsible — I just take naps! I can’t possibly write things.

NMF: Well you —

HMF: A-ha! Got you.

(NMF settles down. She takes out her phone.)

NMF: Okay, fine. I’m glad you had a break. I hope you feel refreshed, I really do. There’s a lot to do when we get home and I’m going to need your help. We need to post all the things we promised and more than that.

HMF: I disappear at midnight. You don’t have to worry about me. I feel great.

NMF: I’m slightly jealous of you.

HMF: (She produces a glass of prosecco and a two glasses.) We’ve got a few more hours, darling. Come sit down.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

 

Home (To Iowa) For The Holidays!

posted in: Day In The Life 13
Roasted turkey with French bread dressing, bourbon whipped sweet potatoes, grilled autumn vegetables and giblet gravy. Photo: Wikipedia.
Roasted turkey with French bread dressing, bourbon whipped sweet potatoes, grilled autumn vegetables and giblet gravy. Photo: Wikipedia.

 

Thanksgiving 2016 is really shaping up to be a hot ticket.

I’m flying to Iowa tomorrow morning. My sister Hannah and her fella are coming in from New York City at almost the same time. Rebecca’s already there and Jack arrives tomorrow night. Mom and Mark are ready with cars and grocery lists and sweet little Scrabble, Mom’s Mini-Golden Doodle, will be there to jump up on everyone and get treats. (The latter two things are not related but Scrabble will think they are; ergo, more jumping.)

On Thanksgiving Day, we’ll all be volunteering at the Methodist Church to take Thanksgiving dinners to folks who can’t get out of the house and to serve up a delicious meal at the church for anyone else who needs one. This has become something of a Fons family tradition and I’m thrilled to be able to be there for it this year.

Coming up on PaperGirl during the break:

  1. Pictures and stories from the Iowa Theater Renovation!
  2. An interview with A Mysterious Guest.
  3. Receiving Room Guy Update #6 (is that the number we’re up to?)
  4. A recipe to die for.
  5. POSSIBLY A SURVEY

Whatever you’re doing, wherever you’re going — and even if you’re not doing much and going no place — I wish you all an early Happy Thanksgiving.

Anyone who donates to PaperGirl gets a handwritten thank-you note (I’m doing a batch this weekend), so if you’ve donated recently, you have evidence in hand of how grateful I am for you. For those who haven’t gotten any mail from me, well, I’d love to send you some. But donation or not, the sentiment remains the same: I write this blog because it brings me the pleasure of connecting with you. Sure, I practice writing, sure, I can talk about what I’m up to. But if that’s all it was, it would’ve gone away a long time ago, don’t you think?

I’m thankful for you! Gobble, gobble.

The View From Last Year.

posted in: Day In The Life 3
A
The page itself! Page/scan: Me.

 

On this date last year, I was sitting in this very room — but the room was full of boxes.

It was one year ago exactly that Claus and I drove from Washington to return me to my rightful place: Chicago. In this post from exactly one year ago today I’m trying to express my joy. I’m not a Buddhist, but it seemed to fit.

When I realized it was my one-year anniversary, I pulled out my journal from November 2015. I’m pretty joyful in there, too. In fact, below is an excerpt from the journal entry for this day last year. It’s not good writing. It’s just good to see a human be so sure of a decision and crow about being happy even when no one is looking.

Difficult to describe the feeling I have, being home. It’s an understatement to say that and ‘difficult to describe’ and ‘an understatement’ are both lame collections of words, too; poor, so poor. Never have I felt so wrapped in warmth. It’s a true homecoming.

The view from Wabash. My own park and my statue of General Logan just there, just east; the building’s white glazed brick entrance, oh, the fluttering, glittering joy I feel, as though I could fly, leave the ground, float up to see it all even more.

Buddha was enlightened: He saw everything exactly as it was, with no illusions, only presence. This is how I felt yesterday morning and this morning, gazing uptown from 8th and Wabash, holding my black coffee. The sun. The el. That’s my corner. The Hilton. Columbia. Michigan Avenue, I’m coming, baby. I’m coming back to touch sole to pavement and we will make like we never left.

Except that I did. And I learned one new thing. Just one. One. And that is that I love you more — so much more — than I ever even realized. And I knew I loved you a lot. But now it’s marriage.

So much has happened in the past year. Quilts made, decisions made, pain and love. And the moment I came home I knew I wanted to get new carpet.

Yippee! It finally happened! These things take time!

One year later, Chicago, we’re stronger than ever. Happy Anniversary!

Choco In My Pocko.

posted in: Fashion 13
It's the best chocolate, really. Image: Wikpedia!
It’s the best chocolate, really. Image: Wikpedia!

 

Chicago’s unseasonably warm weather has decided it has indulged us long enough: today is a day cold enough to require a Serious Coat. (We’ve been in the high 60s for weeks, now, and temperatures in the high 60s allow for Somewhat Frivolous Coats, at least around here.)

I have a couple winter coats to choose from. There’s the black puffer coat with the furry trim, the sporty-looking Helly Hansen zipper-upper great for ice skating (it’s almost time!), and then there’s the camel-colored wool coat that makes me feel like Jessica Lange in any movie from the 1980s. Which do you suppose is my favorite?

Well, it really does depend on the weather, but if I had to go live on a desert island where winter coats were suddenly necessary, I’d have to pick the that boxy camel-colored coat. It makes me feel like an adult — but in a good way, like someone could come and ask me for advice and I would have something substantive to say. That coat makes me feel like paying the gas bill and picking up a gallon of milk is kinda sexy. Does anyone out there know what I’m talking about?

When I put on the coat, I felt in the pocket and found half a Ritter Sport chocolate bar!

I haven’t decided if I should eat it. Chocolate keeps pretty well, but it’s been at least six months since I wore this coat.

There’s something touching and sweet about the things we find in our winter coat pockets a season later, don’t you think? Who was the girl who ate the chocolate bar? What was she thinking about? Was it terribly cold or did she think:

“I think it’s time to switch over to a Frivolous Coat. Spring is here.”

 

The Textile Geek Is IN! (On Spring Registration.)

posted in: Day In The Life 12
Crochet detail. (Hey, you never know!) Photo: Wikipedia.
Crochet detail. (Hey, you never know!) Photo: Wikipedia.

Registration for my second term of graduate school at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago (SAIC) was this week. I had forgotten how stressful it is to register for college classes because it’s been awhile since I did it. Here are the facts:

  • there are only so many seats in each class (i.e., you may get the classes you want)
  • there are requirements you must meet (i.e., you can’t fart around and only take classes about David Bowie)
  • students’ registration times are staggered (i.e., you might be dead-last for a registration time, which is bad)
  • you are paying a ton money (i.e., is it hot in here?)

I’m happy to report that my registration went great, but I know very well that this is lucky. Next fall, I might not feel so chipper — it’s really the flip of a coin. Therefore, I’m allowing myself to enjoy my good fortune while I’ve got it. This includes reading and re-reading the course descriptions for the classes I got and psyching myself up for January 26th, the first day of Spring 2017 term.

One of the jewels in the crown is “Micro/Macro Textiles” in the Fiber and Material Studies Department. Just look at this:

This seminar will use the Textile Resource Center of the Department of Fiber and Material Studies as the location for source material to explore artist research practices. Emphasis will be placed on research as hands-on knowing. Understanding textiles through possibilities of drawing, notation, photography, video, live action, and remaking will be considered. Close observation of textile structure, fiber spin, dyestuff color, fiber content, and formal resolution will be considered alongside larger frames of cultural context, meaning, and metaphor. Artist lectures and visiting scholars from areas including textile conservation, restoration, curation, and science will extend our learning alongside field trips to Chicago area museums and collections. Students will be expected to develop studio work, written research, presentations, and rigorous journals.

Darlin’, you had me at “rigorous journals.” Or maybe you had me at “close observation of textile structure” and “larger frames of cultural context.” Actually, no; I swooned in the first sentence with “Textile Resource Center.”

The professor? Internationally acclaimed fiber artist Anne Wilson, who is, as the graduate advisor for the Writing Department told me, “an absolute rockstar.” She warned me to have a solid backup, that I might not get into the class. But I did!

There are several weeks left of the fall term; I’ll have stories for you as I do my first “Critique Week,” where a panel of fancy people read my work and then peer over their glasses at me and talk to me about what they liked and did not like. And then there’s the ginormous project I have to finish for my Design For Writers class.

I can’t help it: I’m already dreaming in micro.

New Carpet, With Chaos.

posted in: Day In The Life 7
Dame Vera Lynn, "at home in Sussex." Date unknown. Image Wikipedia.
Dame Vera Lynn, “at home in Sussex.” Date unknown. Image Wikipedia.

 

 

I had a plan. A blog plan.

Writing a regular blog like this takes one, you know. I think about you all the time.

And so it was that I came home after such a packed day with my blog plan — but there was a surprise waiting for me. Oh, I knew the new carpet would be there. I began payments and scheduled the installation a month ago because man, that carpet was looking pretty sad, indeed, and had looked sad, indeed for a long time. So I come home and find there is new carpet here in my home, but I knew it would be there. And the new carpet, it’s great. I did my research, I shopped around.

But the installers, who seemed very nice when I met them this morning, apparently had a fire to go put out someplace across town very suddenly after the carpet was installed. They seem to have left in a hurry.

There are shoes (mine, thankfully) in the bathroom sink. Tables have been switched around in rooms. The rugs I have, they are all in interesting places, none of them so interesting that I can leave them where they lay. It’s fascinating how they re-arranged my furniture, I thought to myself, surveying total chaos in my house; I could just leave it like this. Couch way over at the “wrong” wall, quilts rolled up like burritos, lamps surviving, barely, pushed against the corner on my big sewing/dining/work table.

Tonight, therefore, rather than write what I was planning to write, I’m heaving my weight against dressers and drawers, making sense out of the chaos of my house.

The carpet is perfect. But at the moment, I don’t recognize the place. Is it weird that I kinda like it?

*P.S. The photo up there? That’s one of the images that came back when I entered “carpet” into Wikipedia Commons, the free image site I use for all my posts (unless I took a picture myself.) Do you not love this woman “at home in Sussex”? 

The Day The Fake IRS Called Mom and Mark: Part II

posted in: Day In The Life 12
A still from the preview for 'To Catch a Thief' with Grace Kelly and Cary Grant because that's what Wikipedia gave me when I searched images for "thief" and really not much else. Image: Wikipedia.
A still from ‘To Catch a Thief’ with Grace Kelly and Cary Grant…because that’s what Wikipedia gave me when I searched images for “thief.” Also, it’s funny because I did not act gracefully. Image: Wikipedia.

 

As I was sewing this evening and thinking through the second chapter of the phony IRS phone call story, I realized that while some people commented on Facebook and in the comments below that they have also been targets for phone crimes and also sniffed out the predators, other folks — maybe a large number — were likely silent because they have actually been victimized by such a scam.

If that is you, I want to tell you that I am very, very sorry that happened to you. You are not alone and you are not a fool.

Well, maybe you are, and that’s your business. But if you got a call last year from the IRS — I keep typing “IRA” which is not the same — and you didn’t know that you were being lied to and therefore sent money, you were the victim of a crime and it doesn’t matter if you’re a fool or not: that stinks and I’m sorry. Folks will say oh, you should’ve double-checked the source, gotten a second opinion, etc., etc. and those people have never made any mistakes or been too innocent ever in life, ever, so you know, they can say that.

I’m kidding. I’m sorry you were robbed.

Having said that, just as it’s important for me to watch my purse on the train and not wear headphones when I’m walking in the city at night, it’s important for you/us to exercise caution when sending large sums of money to anyone: the real IRS, the fake IRS, televangelists (just no), politicians, ne’er-do-well cousins, etc. Got it?

Okay, back to the story.

I had the post-it with the scammer’s number on it. I decided to call and do it when Mom and Mark had left the house. Only Scrabble the dog would hear what I planned to say to the person on the other end of the line, which was smart; my intention was to say the foulest words ever uttered by a human being. And, like several people who shared their story, my strategy was to call and fake the person out for long enough to sucker him — it’s always a him — right back, even for a moment.

I used my computer/gmail phone line so they couldn’t trace the number.

“Hello, thank you for calling the IRS. What number are you calling from, please?”

As if the IRS would a) pick up and b) say thank you. And how could I tell that I was hearing not a busy phone center but a recording of a busy phone center playing in the background? Because it was obvious.

“Hi, oh, hi. Um…142,” I began, literally just saying random numbers while affecting a baffled, frightened, scared-lil-ol-me voice. “802-2152. I hope you can find me in the system, I’m really concerned about a call I got!”

Type, type on the other end. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t find you in the system. Can you repeat that number, please?”

“923, 823-9172?” <– psst: different numbers.

There was a pause. “I’m sorry, ma’am I —”

Now, I think it’s obvious that I enjoy words, my friends. Old ones, new ones, common ones, rare ones. You don’t know that I like blue ones because I choose not to use them here. But I like blue words juuuust fine when they’re called for. How much I like them is evidenced by what I said to the thief that day on the phone. The words I selected from my brain were so foul, so bitter and raw, I impressed myself. And I can’t even hint at how bad the words were because they were so bad, as they spewed from my mouth I wondered if “blue lightning” was blue because it struck down people who said the bluest of words. Like me. It was in the combinations that the magic really happened.

And that’s the coda to the story, actually:

My mom takes what she calls “Old Lady” yoga several times a week at the yoga studio in town. After class on Tuesdays (?) the gals go have coffee at the coffee shop nearby. Mom asked me to meet her there after class. As soon as I slammed the phone down on the counter — cordless phones don’t slam down with the same satisfaction as rotary ones do in the movies but it was still pretty good — I realized it was time to go to the coffee shop to meet the ladies.

I came in all steamed up from my call. When the ten or so women turned to me, smiling, happy to see me there in Winterset, they asked how I was and I was too flustered to say anything but, “Well, I just called back a phone scammer!”

They leaned in and cupped their hands around their mochas, pressing me to tell what happened.

“No, no, no,” I said, and I meant it. “I can’t say what I said. I mean, it’s bad. It’s so bad, I’m still ashamed of myself.”

They all  — and I mean all ten or twelve of them — shook their heads and shrugged. One of these amazing, sweet, mild-mannered (?) ladies said, “Honey, I raised three boys. You can’t shock me.”

Another said, “Oh, I’ve heard it all. All of it. Come, on! What’dya say??”

They were all staring at me. I got another minute of confirmation and told them, in one breath, what I had told that person to do, where I told him to go, how, and when, and how happy I’d be when he got there. Basically.

The women all nodded. “Good for you,” one said. Another said, “Oh, I’ve heard worse.”

I took tips for next time.

The Day The Fake IRS Called Mom and Mark: Part I

posted in: Day In The Life 18
The Sanyo TAS 1000, dingy and creepy enough to feel appropriate here. Photo: Wikipedia.
The Sanyo TAS 1000, dingy and creepy enough to feel appropriate here. Photo: Wikipedia.

 

The quilt blocks I talked about the day before yesterday, they’ll be back. In fact, there’s a project on PaperGirl debuting soon that will use those and other blocks in a neat way. But for now, because I desperately feel like telling a story (for old times’ sake), I’m going to tell you a story. Doesn’t that sound good?

I was home in Iowa, sitting at the kitchen counter, surely with snack. Mark, my amazing stepdad, came in shaking his head.

“Marianne!” he called over his shoulder to the next room. “We’ve got big problems!”

This is something Mark says frequently, but it often just means he’s misplaced something. He’ll burst into a room and say, “Honey, we’ve got big problems: I can’t find the extra bag of mulch!” Or, “Honey, I’ve got big problems: The new stapler is not on my desk!” More often than not, the item will be found within an hour. It’s pretty adorable.

But that day, Mark seemed truly worried.

“There’s a message on the voicemail and… Well, I just don’t know what to make of it,” he said. My mother came into the kitchen to fix an English muffin and looked appropriately concerned, which is to say she did not look immediately concerned.

“It’s the IRS. They say we need to call them right away. I’m very concerned. Something about a fine and a missed payment? I can’t imagine that —”

My neck seized up and my fingers curled into claws. IRS? A fine? A missed payment? That was no IRS call. That was a scam call. I knew it instantly.

“Mark, Mark, I have to interrupt,” I said, interrupting him. “That’s not a real call from the IRA. It’s a scam. Do not call them back, Mark, whatever you do.”

That very week I had read an article about how bad — good? — the fake IRS and bank scam calls had gotten. Record numbers of them were being reported and record amounts of money were being taken from decent, law-abiding, tax-paying citizens. Like Mom and Mark.

“Well, I’m glad to hear you say that,” Mark said. “I was suspicious, myself. If the IRS wants to get in touch with a person, they’re going to send a letter. That’s how I understand it.”

“Who wakes up and does that for a living?” Mom mom asked, chewing her muffin. “Who are these people?”

And then I had an idea: I would find out. And I would give ’em hell.

“Did they leave a callback number?” I asked, sliding off my barstool. I walked toward the phone on Mark’s desk. He nodded and showed me the post-it note where he had written down the mysterious phone number. I asked him if he would play me the message, too.

He played it. It was a robot voice. It sounded scary and real: a little too scary to actually be real, you know? The IRS will not contact you by phone — Mark is right that they will send you certified mail — but they will for sure not contact you by phone in a robot voice that says, with a threatening tone, “YOU MUST CALL BACK IMMEDIATELY OR BE SUBJECT TO FEDERAL PRISON.”

My blood boiled. I wanted to punish these swindlers, these low-lifes.

I looked at the number on the post-it and thought about my strategy. Should I simply call and cuss them out? That would feel great. Maybe I should scare them! Call and pretend to be the cops! I went online and found a real government website where you can report numbers like the one I had in my hand and I planned to officially report it — but not until I had a little fun.

[To be continued tomorrow.]

What’s Up With The Quilt Blocks?

Caption.
A Four-Patch Star. Block by Marianne Fons, scan by me.

 

You may have noticed the past few posts offer scanned-in quilt blocks as the featured image. What can it mean?

Quilt blocks are pretty much 100% good. I’ve never met a quilt block that was made in anger, represented anger or resentment, or had an opinion about an election. And there’s so much anger out there, so much resentment, and so many opinions on either side about the long, long, explosive election, I feel like a quilt block is a life raft.

Everyone — on either side, in every corner, everywhere — can use a life raft. Sometimes it looks like we need one less, sometimes it looks like we need one more, but the truth is, we always need one: We just panic and reach for it at different times.

Also, quilt blocks are pretty, and this must never be seen as unimportant.

My mom made that block up there probably 15 years ago. She gave me a few loose blocks for a class I was teaching on color; she used the same blocks when she was out on the road. It’s cool to use some of the same teaching materials she used when she was out on her grind; talk about a legacy.

Talk about a life raft. Thanks, Mom.

 

Happy Veterans Day! (Belated.)

posted in: Day In The Life, Paean 5
The mighty Economy block. Yeah, I know my seam allowance is pretty skimpy up top. Nobody's perfect. Block and image: Me
I know my seam allowance on this Economy block is pretty skimpy up top. Nobody’s perfect. Block and image: Me.

 

Happy Veterans Day!

Yes, it was yesterday. I come to you with no small amount of shame that I didn’t get this posted before now, but I had company yesterday that I had to get ready for and I was still wiped out from a trip to Kansas City to visit the radiant and multi-talented 180 members of the Kansas City Modern Quilt Guild. Ladies (and gent), it was a pleasure. It was more than that, but I need to take care of important business:

Happy Veterans Day!

Remember when I said that casting your vote in any state or national election is a thank-you to our veterans? Well, so is a straight-up thank you, so that’s what this is.

Thank you for protecting our freedom to vote. Thank you for protecting our shores and and our skies from those who want to harm us. By “us” I mean, like, my mom. And my sisters. And my friends. And all the wonderful people I met in Kansas City this week. That’s what “us” is to me, and of course it means you and your friends and loved ones, too. My ex-husband was in the Army. I know a small amount of the hard work and training and sacrifices you make, every day, for this republic.

Confession: Everything that has been going on with this tumultuous election has been distracting me and that’s partly why I was zonked yesterday and didn’t get this thank-you posted. But your service is the reason we can have free and safe elections at all, so I’m doubly embarrassed.

To all the women and men who have served, are serving, or plan to serve and potentially die for the freedoms I enjoy as an American: Thank you for your service. We love you.

From The Sun Magazine: Rebecca Levenberg’s “First Impressions.”

posted in: Art, Day In The Life, Tips 12
Log Cabin quilt block. Block and photo: Me.
Log Cabin quilt block. Block and photo: Me.

One of the magazines I subscribe to is The Sun. It’s primarily non-fiction writing, photography, and fascinating (long, yay) interviews with anthropologists, artists, authors, and other interesting human beings.

And then there’s this feature toward the back called “Readers Write.” The editors give a one- or two-word prompt and readers send in their brief story (100-400 words or so) or anecdote relating to the prompt. (Upcoming prompts include “Losing,” “That Night,” “Mischief,” and “Bad Habits.”)

The contributions are always incredible: real, sad, hilarious, true. The Readers Write prompt for this month’s issue was “First Impressions.” On the plane to Kansas last night, I read one of the best submissions ever.

If I get in trouble with the magazine for posting this, I’ll take it down. But for now, please read this piece by one Ms. Rebecca Levenberg from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It was a pleasure to type up your story, Ms. Levenberg; thank you for writing it and congrats for being published.

“Six years ago I was hit by a truck while riding my bicycle to work, and I had to have my leg amputated. At the rehabilitation hospital I was assigned a peer mentor. Rob was the first amputee I’d ever met. When he offered to answer my questions, I had none. I was riddled with pain from a limb that wasn’t there and overwhelmed by the change to my body. Though I felt obligated to listen to Rob, really I just wanted him to leave.

The one thing I remember about that meeting is that Rob had oe by on his way home from the gym, where he went in the evenings after work. Rob went to the gym. Rob went to work. Rob was an amputee. This information gave me hope.

Over the next year I learned to walk with a prosthetic leg. The second year brought more independence, and I went back to work and to the gym.

That summer a man waved me down on a city sidewalk. “Can I ask you a question?” he said, eyes fixed on my prosthesis. Sure, I replied. His voice got quiet. “Were you born that way?” Were you born without your leg?”

I told him no, that I’d had my leg amputated after an accident. I wondered why he was asking: he had all four limbs.

The man pointed to a nearby hospital and explained that his wife had just had a baby boy born without part of his arm. “The doctor said he’ll never know the difference,” he told me. “Do you think that’s true? Do you think he’ll never know?”

What could I say? I had no idea. We talked a bit more, and I asked if the baby was healthy. The man said yes.

“Congratulations,” I said. “What’s his name?”

He told me, and for the first time since we’d begun talking, I saw a proud dad.

After we’d parted, I realized that I was probably the first amputee he’d ever met. Walking away, I stood tall and confident, just in case he was watching.”

The Union Square Quilt Block.

posted in: Art, Luv, Quilting 18
union-square-1
This one finished 6” — that’s pretty small! Block and photo: Me.

 

The election is over, and Grand Canyon seems tiny in comparison to the divide between US citizens today. I’m at Midway Airport, headed to the Kansas City Modern Quilt Guild. The airport is a strange place right now.

A very close friend of mine supported the candidate that I did not support in the election. There came a terrible day when I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because of his position. I straight-up stonewalled him, told him I couldn’t be his friend. I was wrong to do that.

Thankfully, I figured out how dumb that was — there are benefits to being in one’s late thirties —and about a day later (okay, maybe two), I called him up, apologized, and listened to him. I really, really listened. I learned why he felt the way he felt. Then I asked him if he would listen to me. He listened. He disagreed but understood a lot more about how I felt by the time we were done with the conversation. We hung up saying, “I love you,” and we meant it. We still mean it.

The quilt block up there is a Union Square quilt block, but I actually am dubious about this; a google search of the Union Square block will yield a different-looking block but I swear, that’s what the thing was listed as when I made it some years ago for a Quilty episode.

It’s a good one. Three fabrics. Forty-five pieces. Geometry. Harmony. With effort, concentration, choices, and interest, I made that block. A lot of people helped me get to the place where I was able to make that block: teachers, mentors, helpers, students, designers. Lots of folks.

Union. The word looks weirdly like “Onion,” come to think of it. And “union” is not dissimilar to an actual onion: complex, multi-layered, useful, problematic if you have an allergy or something…and yes, my analogy ran out but I am very tired.

I meet so many people on the road. I love you and all those beautiful quilts.

Union Square.

“Just Take It Bird By Bird, Buddy.”

posted in: Tips, Work 7
The Arctic Bluebird. From "The Reports of Explorations and Surveys, Volume X" of the U. S. Pacific railroad Explorations and Surveys 38th, 39th, 41st Parallels, 1859. Image: Wikipedia.
The Arctic Bluebird. From “The Reports of Explorations and Surveys, Volume X” of the U. S. Pacific railroad Explorations and Surveys 38th, 39th, 41st Parallels, 1859. Image: Wikipedia.

 

There are a lot of books out there about how to be a better writer. The best ones are books by writers, for writers.

Most dedicated writers have their favorites. My mom like’s Sol Stein’s On Writing, for example; I actually have your copy on my coffee table right now, Mama.

Lots of writers — myself included— admire Stephen King’s book, also called On Writing, for his warmth and simplicity. My most treasured advice on writing comes from an essay by Orwell (“Politics and the English Language”) and without Strunk & White Elements Of Style, I’m sunk.

And there’s one book I think even the dilettante writer has come across: Bird By Bird, by Anne Lamott. (I can hear some people cheering from here.)

The book, though written primarily for the fiction writer because fiction is Anne Lamott writes, gets its title from a story in the book. That story contains some of the best advice, writing or otherwise, I have ever come across.

Tonight, I texted Mariano that advice. He’s studying for a huge test on Wednesday that has absolutely nothing to do with writing. But the advice Lamott gives in Bird By Bird is perfect for any occasion.

She tells in the book of a night when she and her younger brother were in grade school and he had a huge project due that week on “The Birds Of North America.” The little guy was beyond stressed. He was frustrated and becoming increasingly panicked about the scope of the assignment. Anne’s dad, a professional writer, came in and patted his son on the shoulder.

“Just take it bird by bird, buddy,” he said. “Just go bird by bird.”

That’s all any of us have to do. Equation by equation. Paragraph by paragraph. One at a time. First this one, then the other.

Bird by bird, buddy.

 

Quilts & Votes.

posted in: Day In The Life 13
Pictorial Quilt with American Flag, unknown maker, Ohio, cottons, c. 1930. 64" x 75". Collection of Bill Volckening, Portland, Oregon. Image: Wikipedia. (Hi, Bill!)
Pictorial quilt with American flag. (64” x 75”) by unknown maker. Ohio, c. 1930. Collection of Bill Volckening — hi, Bill! Image: Wikipedia.

 

PaperGirl readers are, without exception, dignified and conscientious citizens. (You’re also light on your feet, good-humored, photogenic, possessing of a sleek pelt, and excellent in an emergency.) So it doesn’t need to be said, but just in case:

Will you please take a moment and figure out where and when you’ll vote on Tuesday? If you’ve voted already, great! If not, let’s do it together (in spirit) on Tuesday! I ask you as a friend and fellow American to really make sure you get to the booth on Tuesday. I plan to go first thing in the morning and get that great “I Voted!” sticker they give out. How cool are those??

One thought:

I have made and awarded several Quilts of Valor. Quilts of Valor are quilts awarded to U.S. servicemen and servicewomen who have been touched by war. Giving a quilt to a veteran is powerful. The gift of your time, the gift of the quilt says, “I care about you. Thank you.”

That’s what voting is, too.

When you vote, you’re saying thank you to all veterans across our country’s history as well as to the current members of the U.S. armed forces. They need us like we need them.

Vote on Tuesday. You matter.

A View From The Infield! It’s Cubbies Day!

posted in: Chicago 4
Really lovely pandemonium. Photo: Moi.
Really lovely pandemonium. Photo: Me.

 

I’m watching the blue tide that continues to roll through downtown Chicago. My perch: The second floor of the Sharp Building, prime School of the Art Institute real estate in the Loop. Where is the geographical “heart of Chicago”? You could make an argument for this spot.

No one is at work today and if they are (or if they were) they weren’t. Kids all over the whole state skipped school. The teachers skipped school. On the news this morning, one of the reporters said, “Um, I literally just saw my kid’s school principal in the crowd near Wrigley Field. We’re good.”

If you did go to class, if you did have a meeting, the static electricity in the atmosphere scrambled everything in the best possible way. Whatever you were supposed to be doing, however you were supposed to be doing it, the usual Friday schedule for millions of people got booted when those kids won the game and it didn’t matter — still doesn’t matter — if you don’t care about baseball. This isn’t about baseball anymore, remember? It’s about astonishment and relief. 

Now, the folks who work in shops and restaurants downtown have their work cut out for them, but I worked in the service industry for a long time and — though Christmas is really the only day I can think that comes close to the feeling down here —I know how it goes on a day like this: If you’re a waitress, you’re gonna make a killing because people tip better when they’re happy. If you’re in retail, the hours are gonna fly because everyone’s so amped. If you’re slinging lattes at a coffee shop… Well, I haven’t ever done that job, exactly, but I imagine inside all the cafes and stores it’s as much of a party as it is outside on the streets. Sure, people are drunk and there are some weirdos out there, but that’s every day in the city, baby. There’s just less confetti most days.

The parade started at Wrigley this morning and then came downtown on Lake Shore Drive to get to Michigan Avenue. I was listening to the radio and doing things around the house when I realized that they were almost to my cross street! I ran to the window, threw open the shade, slammed the screen up and stuck my head out the window really far — so far I actually got a little woozy when I glanced down — and I could see them! I could see the buses with “CHAMPIONS” emblazoned on the side! Right there on Michigan Avenue! Some little kids up on the 20th floor of my building were out on their balcony and they cried down to me, “Hi! Hi! Go cubs! Up here! Up here! Wave to us!”

I realized at that moment that I was only in my bra and underpants. I squeaked out a “Hi there!” and ducked back in to put on some clothes. Don’t worry: no one was scandalized. It’s just that kind of day.

Joy Town: Where I Was When The Cubs Won In ’16.

posted in: Chicago, Day In The Life 20
Cookies at The Goddess & Baker, near school in the Loop. Photo: Me, with crumbs on my face.
Cookies at The Goddess & Baker yesterday, near SAIC in the Loop. Photo: Me, with crumbs on my face.

 

All day long, I’ve been old.

Because all day long I’ve been thinking that when I’m an old lady and people ask me about stuff that happened in Chicago when I was younger, I’ll be able to say, “I was in Chicago when the Cubs won the World Series in ’16. That, my holographic friend, was cool.”

(I figure there will be a holographic element of our digital lives at that point and that it will be entirely pointless but really fun, like Snapchat.)

I hope my memory lasts a long time because I don’t ever want to forget last night or the feeling of lightness and joy in Chicago today.

Just in case I do forget, I’m going to write down just how it happened; that way, if someone asks me where I was when the Cubs won in ’16, I can just read this.

I was at a theater earlier in the evening watching my friend Susan Of The Wonderful Laugh in a big storytelling event. Even with the big game going on, the Athenaeum Theater was full. The show’s emcees kept the audience up to date on the score throughout the show because even though people at the theater were obviously not die-hard Cubs fans — if they were, they were dying, hard — we were all buzzing, tense. Because the World Series this year ceased to be about baseball weeks ago. The Cubs being so close to winning was about chance. Change. Obstacles and overcoming. The Cubs at the Series was about universal stuff irresistible to any audience of any kind, anywhere.

By the end of the show — not that anyone was surreptitiously checking her phone during curtain call — the Cubs had lost the lead. The teams were tied 6 – 6. Just like that, the confidence the audience had allowed ourselves during the show was gone. It was a dreadful, wretched feeling.

Susan and her friends offered to drive me to the train after the show, but I declined. There was something I had to do. Deep in my heart, I felt it: I needed to get on a bike and bike home.

It’s a ways from the Athenaeum to the South Loop. But I needed to make contact with the night. I wanted to hear people cheering from the bars — and if they cried or wailed, I wanted to hear that, too. I wanted to breathe the night air, the electric air in my city. The need was overwhelming to experience the rest of the evening in that particular way at that important moment. There was a bank of bikeshare bikes outside the theatre; I’m a card-carrying, devoted member. I bid adieu to Susan and her friends, checked out a bike, and began my ride.

All the way down Lincoln, the humanity was almost too much to bear. In every single bar there were people packed inside, faces upturned to screens, watching with anguish and untenable expectation. I saw people praying. I saw people literally biting off their nails.

Near Oz Park, I came upon a huge number of bike cops who had all put their bikes down and were crowding around a pizza joint and a bar and a falafel place, all trying to get a view of a screen. Not too far from them I came upon another pack of cops. I didn’t understand at first but then realized, oh, they’re mobilizing for the end of the game. Win or lose, it’s gonna be a hell of a night. I can’t tell you how tense everything was, how dead the streets were, how every tree and traffic light felt invested in the moment.

I rolled on, peddling faster, now; I needed to park the bike and see for myself what was going on. But I didn’t want to get stranded anywhere. Why wasn’t there more noise? Shouldn’t the Cubbies be scoring a point? Why weren’t people cheering, shouting?? I started doing ridiculous, magical thinking in my head: If I get this green light, they’ll do it. If I sing a song. No, no, that’s silly. The lesson here, I thought as I crossed into the Loop, is to let it go. Just let it go. It’s out of your hands. It’s just a game. Even if they don’t win, they got so far. It’s baseball. It’s baseball.

By the time I got home, I knew something must have been horribly wrong. It was well past 11 p.m. I had biked seven miles in about 39 minutes. The city had not erupted in cheers, in 1,000,000 ticker-tape parades. I docked my bike and ran to my building, stabbed at the elevator buttons, and finally got to my unit. I turned on the radio just as my sister texted me, deeply troubled. Tenth inning. And the rain delay.

The radio announcers seemed to be in almost physical agony. My muscles were tight. I poured a little gin but couldn’t even drink it. I turned on my sewing machine and made Log Cabin blocks while I listened. And waited. And didn’t breathe.

And then it happened.

The city broke open.

The South Loop erupted all over with joy. My windows were open and the moment the Cubs won, cars in the streets below honked and honked and honked and people shouted, “Hurrah! Hurrah!” and “Cubbies Win! They won! They [BEEP] won! Yeaaaaahhhhhhh!” and “Woooooooo-HOOOOOOOOOOO!” Fireworks — real fireworks! — from three different places in the immediate area began to go off. Pew! Pew! Zeeeee-pew! Shouts and laughter, whoops and hoopla, beautiful hoopla all over town. It was bliss. It was every Christmas morning, I swear, that feeling of yes.

I was making squeaking and yipping sounds, hopping and jumping in my apartment, texting my sister furiously and then I’d just burst out laughing with happiness and excitement for the pure joy of long overdue change and victory! I stuck my head out the window and joined the chorus of voices across the mid-rise buildings: “Yaaaaay! Go Cubs! Go Cubs! Yay! Yay!!! Yes!!!” The guy one floor up from me was calling out, too, and we laughed and called to each other: “Go Cubs! They won! They won!”

Did you know there are 108 stitches in a baseball? Did you know?

Cubs Win, Strangers Hug.

posted in: Day In The Life, Story, Travel 9
The Lyric Opera House of Chicago right now; "Fly The W" means fly the "Win" flag! Photo: Wikipedia.
The Lyric Opera House of Chicago right now! “Fly The W” means “fly the ‘Cubs Win’ victory flag!” Photo: Wikipedia.

 

On Sunday evening, down in Houston for Quilt Market, I supped with several people from the International Quilt Study Center & Museum, which means that I got to be at a big, round table with some of my favorite people on the planet. I’m a member of the board and was invited to be there, but if I had had to pose as a waiter, I wouldn’t have missed that meal. However, because I also can’t miss office hours or class on Monday… I had to leave before dessert. It’s true: My flight out of Houston was 10 p.m. Sunday night. After risotto and Malbec. Gaaah.

(When people ask me how I get everything done, do you know what I say? I say, “It’s easy: I have no husband, children, pets, or plants. No one cares where I am.” That sounds awful, but it’s really okay.)

When I got to my gate at the airport, the World Series game was on, obviously. And because I was on a flight to Chicago, there were many people waiting to go home, just like me, which meant there were people whooping and hollering and drinking, watching the monitors. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to live in a town that could win — could actually win — the World Series for the first time in 108 years. Telling you what happened on the plane gets at it, maybe.

There was a bald man in his early sixties (it was hard to tell) sitting kitty-corner from my aisle seat. He was wiry, pretty short, and wore a Hawaiian shirt. His voice was so gravelly I think he must’ve been a pack-a-day guy. He had a cell phone that he was having a lot of trouble with as people finished boarding the plane and we waited for the crew to close the doors. Southwest has free on-board TV and the guy was trying to get on to see the score.

While we were at the gate, during the fourth inning, the score had been 2- 3, Cubs. Now, who knew?

“Miss! Miss, can you??” The guy waved at the stewardess several times while he stabbed away at his phone. The screen was so big I could see repeated error messages of various kinds. He wasn’t being rude about asking for help, but he was insistent and didn’t seem to have a single clue about how his phone (or the internet?) worked. I’ll admit it: Those of us around him, after 10 minutes of this, were getting a little exasperated.

“Are you online?” he asked his seat mates. They shook their heads. “How about you, did you get online? Did you get the score?” He was shifting in his seat, frustrated, then would be back at his phone. He started talking about the game to people and I picked up that they weren’t Chicagoans but Houstonians, possibly wary about going into Chicago for business this week.

The truth was, I was freaking out a little, myself. I don’t follow baseball. I’ve never been to a Cubs game, never even been inside Wrigley Field. Part of the reason for this is that Cubs fans can be very loud and there are a lot of them. Remember Lollapalooza? It’s the same problem. But when this World Series thing became real, it ceased to be a Cubs thing. It’s a Chicago thing, now. We all want this.

I pulled out my phone and took it off airplane mode for a second to see if I could get the score for him. I tapped him on the shoulder and showed him. “It’s still 2 – 3. Cubbies,” I said, and gave him a polite smile. “I have to turn this off now, though —”

Too late. He was already launching into this stat and that one, the odds of this, the odds of that. He had excuses ready for the Cubs if they lost that night (something about how no No. 1 team has won Game 5 after losing Game 2, etc.) and factoids about this or that player. I listened and nodded then politely said, “Well, I hope you can get online to see the score…” and smiled as I opened my laptop to communicate, “I am working, now.”

But I felt a pang of love for that guy.

He loves the Cubs. The Cubs are part of his life. They’re something he connects with his family. Or they represent or symbolize stuff. Maybe he used to play ball; maybe he never could. Maybe he actually lives in Wrigleyville. Maybe his parents took him to games, maybe his kids like the Cubs and he couldn’t care less about baseball but he loves his kids and loving the Cubs is a way he can feel close to them. Maybe it’s something else or all of the above. All sports fans have their reasons for loving their teams, but almost all sports fans count “Sometimes they win the big game” as one of their reasons for loyalty. Not Cubs fans. Their main resource is loyalty. You have to give them credit for that.

I secretly couldn’t keep my eyes off the guy’s stupid screen the whole time he was trying. He was at it a good 20 minutes more after we were airborne. In my mind (and under my breath) I was saying, “Come on, Cubbies. Come on, baby,” willing them to win, pleading with them. You can do this. When we get to Chicago, I thought to myself, we’ll learn the Cubs have won Game 5. (Honestly, I feel like if the Cubs win this whole thing, everything is gonna be okay. Like, everything. You know?)

Finally, the man got online. I could tell because the screen said, “You are now online. Enjoy live streaming TV courtesy of Southwest.” I looked away. I couldn’t take it. Please, Cubs.

He whirled around. Every muscle in his body was vibrating as he spoke to me and to everyone in the immediate vicinity. “They did it. The Cubs. They held ’em 3 to 2. They did it!”

I yelped. “They did?! They did!!!” I grabbed the man’s shoulder across the aisle. He leaned toward me with his arm out and we did this weird cross-aisle-male-female-stranger-hug and it was glorious, celebrating the Cubs win at 35,000 ft.

As I write, the boys are in the lead. The game is not over. The Series is not over. But I’m proud of my guys no matter what. Everything is gonna be okay! Fly the W!

 

Returning From Quilt Market: Four Haiku.

posted in: Day In The Life 5
Embroidered pillow, detail. AE Gutterman booth at 2016 Fall Quilt Market, Houston TX. Photo: Me.
Embroidered pillow, detail. AE Gutterman booth at 2016 Fall Quilt Market, Houston TX. Photo: Me.

 

i.
Fabric in the sky
And through the winding aisles
Makes a girl dream big.

 
ii.
Well, now that’s not good:
I’ve used up all my data.
Sorry, Instagram.

 

iii.
List of things to do:
Hang with Denyse and Tula,
Shamelessly name drop.

 

iv.
Quilts are made of gold;
It’s up to us to guard them.
(Do not screw this up.)

This Little Piggy Went To Market.

posted in: Work 10
Me, bright and early this morning. Note coffee, laptop, and mild anxiety. Photo: Me, clearly.
Me, bright and early this morning. Note coffee, laptop, and mild anxiety. Photo: Me, clearly.

 

I have arrived in Houston. It’s time for Market.

The picture above is from early this morning, when I dragged myself — I had immunization shots yesterday and have felt extremely bleh since — to a hair appointment to do a major color job. Above is the “Before” picture; what do you suppose I did to the ol’ head?

Dispatches from the field beginning tomorrow. I’ll make sure to show the hair. Pictures will be on Instagram; deeper observations made right here.

Goodnight, Houston!

“Bachelorette.”

posted in: Art, Quilting 27
"Bachelorette" in process. Quilt + photo: Me.
“Bachelorette” in process. Quilt + photo: Me.

 

In my Quilt Scout column earlier this month I took on the “Are quilts art?” question. Being in art school, I’m approaching this question differently than I have in the past; turns out I still feel the way I did before but for better, sounder reasons.

The thing is, “Are quilts art?” might not even be the right question — but it’s true that quilts do occupy a funky place in the art/craft conversation and it’s more than worth turning over in your mind for awhile, especially if you have cookie bars and some binding to do at your next retreat.

Consider a Mariner’s Compass from 1890. Though beautiful and artful — impressive technique, intelligent color placement — it’s argued by some that it’s still just (!?) craft, because the Mariner’s Compass doesn’t have a deeper meaning behind it. There are no implications, no ironies, no symbolism. It’s a blanket. Sure, it’s a stunningly beautiful blanket, but but the woman who made the quilt wasn’t like, working out her grief about the death of her child through the patchwork in the quilt.

…Or was she?

That’s the trouble. The people who make determinations about what art is or is not are usually not the people making the quilts, recording the stories, or keeping the “blankets” safe. See what I mean?

Over the summer, I started making a quilt and with a deeper meaning behind it. Will someone know that in 100 years? Will someone keep the records? I can’t know. But I know that my quilt, “Bachelorette,” is a monochromatic Log Cabin I’m making using all my old sheets and pillowcases and my favorite white shirts from the past five years.

A lot has happened to me in the past five years. Divorce. Illness. Career stuff. Tens of thousands of words. So much love. Heartache. Moves. Moving back. So much travel. School. Change, change, change. And I was going to get rid of some old sheets in June and I was replacing some worn-out old white (and off-white) shirts in June and I stopped myself:

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” I said (out loud, of course.) “Not so fast.”

It’s going to be a big quilt. The paper-pieced blocks you see finish 7”; I have made 64 of them. I have 26 left or something daunting like that. I’m stitching in labels from clothes that I wore during — well, I’ll write the whole story later. That’s part of this quilt: The story of it, on paper.

It’s white, like paper. It’s softer, though, and lived-in. And it’s definitely art.

Definitely.

 

The Good News, The Big Shorts.

posted in: Day In The Life 17
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The shorts. Note boots to the left of the chair for scale. Photo: Me.

 

I had my knee appointment yesterday. The good news is that I don’t have to have my knees replaced this summer, which is what I had convinced myself I was going to have to do. They’ve been hurting so terribly and really, I think I was looking forward to major surgery in some sick way: It would mean I’d have to stop moving. Think of all the reading I could do!

So no surgery, but I do have some kind of patella syndrome. Can you believe that? Patella syndrome! Just when I thought I was gimpy enough, I gotta have some kind of patella syndrome. The nerve(s).

That my patellas have syndromized* is what my knee doctor told me, anyway. He was capable and I liked his Maltese accent, but I do think I’ll get a second opinion; there were a few concerns he didn’t address even after I mentioned them a couple times and feel like I owe my (cute, beguiling) patellas another looksee. I have a script for some physical therapy, but the meds he recommended I can’t take because of UC-related stuff. I shrug, I wince, I get the second opinion and wonder if I’m really weird enough to want someone to tell me that I have to have double-knee surgery so I can rest for Lord’s sake.

What I really wanted to tell you is that at the hospital yesterday I got to wear a pair of absolutely ginormous paper shorts.

My X-ray tech was named Angel.

“Hi,” I said, putting out my hand. “I’m Mary.”

“Miss Mary,” Angel said, “it’s a pleasure to meet you. Please put on these shorts. I will wait outside; you let me know when you’re ready, okay? Just knock on the door.” I thanked him and he went into the hall.

Apparently, all they had were XL paper shorts. The shorts I was holding were pure comedy. I’m not saying that extra-large shorts are funny: I’m saying clothes that are way, way too big or way, way too small for a person are funny. It’s like a basic rule of comedy. And when the clothes are made of paper and have elastic… This is commedia dell’arte stuff.

I chatted with Angel while he did my X-rays. He was such a cool guy. He moved here from El Salvador twenty years ago and worked his way through radiology school while working as a janitor at Northwestern. He told me about his daughter  and how she’s already talking about being a doctor.

“You have to tell her how cool the clothes are,” I laughed. “Scrubs, paper shorts…”

We laughed. We talked about the election. I asked him if I could keep the shorts when we were done. He looked at me like no one had ever asked him that before.

“No one has ever asked me that before,” he said. “But…be my guest.”

Last night, because I am so cool, I posted a series of pictures on my Instagram account of me posing and duck-facing with my shorts. I used them as a cowl, a hood, a hat, a scarf. I’m glad my knees aren’t as bad as I thought they were. I just wish they didn’t ache like they do.

Interesting note: While I was goofing off with paper X-ray shorts on my head, they didn’t hurt at all.

*my term

Tonight: The Lemon’s Lament.

posted in: Day In The Life, Poetry 8
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Limon, citrus, from Franz Eugen Köhler’s Medizinal-Pflanzen, 1896. Image: Wikipedia.

 

The Lemon’s Lament
by Mary Fons © 2015

A lemon’s a tragic figure,
And we’ve all got juice on our hands;
Without wish to understand it,
We make lemony demands.

We clamor for slices and wedges,
Ne’er valuing his or her whole —
Unless there’s food to squeeze it on,
A lemon rots within th’ bowl.

“Water with lemon,” we oft request;
“Lemon with my fish!”
While lemon must quell its agony
And roundly reject the wish

To feel fingers peel away
Its pockmarked, pithy skin,
Exposing tender fruit meat,
Poised to drip down someone’s chin.

Nay, this has never happened;
(A lemon hardly peels!)
Instead it’s razed into sour wafers
With no regard to how that feels.

Tabbouleh, pound cake, salad dressing
All need a touch of tart;
For the chef to achieve th’ flavor profiles,
It’s tang they must impart.

‘Course they won’t then toss the lemon in
To whatever dish they serve;
The lemon’s tossed into the bin,
(The callousness, the nerve!)

But Lemon knows they cannot do it —
It’s accepted this as fact;
It has no life beyond a garnish,
The squirt its closing act.

For when we choose a fruit to eat
The lemon has no place;
It offers only pain to man —
It’s written on his face.

Lemon plays the outfield, always
Never pitcher, never hitter,
Forever weeping acid tears;
And you wonder why it’s bitter.

*Hello! I thought I’d post a recently revised and updated version of The Lemon’s Lament tonight. Whenever life seems a bit on the bewildering side, writing fruit poetry makes everything better. This is an actual fact of honest truth in my life. Read this one aloud to someone you love who is nearby: husband, girlfriend, cat, plant! All of ’em at once!

“There Shawl Be Others.”

posted in: Day In The Life 15
This was not my scarf, but it is a vintage Hermes and you get the idea. Photo: eBay.
This was not my scarf, but it is a vintage Hermes and you get the idea. Photo: eBay.

 

I wanted to write this up last night because I thought it might help — but I couldn’t. I was too low, too morose to try when I got home. In the grand landscape of life, this disappointment is tiny, I know. But it still hurts.

Last night, somewhere in O’Hare International Airport, I lost my most favorite, special shawl. Don’t ask me how I lost it. One minute it was there, the next it wasn’t. I had a lot of bags. It was crowded in the airport. It dropped off. It was picked up. It’s gone.

My shawl was actually a scarf, big enough to wrap around my shoulders. This was not just any big scarf, either; it was a silk- and cashmere-blend Hermès scarf, similar to the one you see above. But mine was different. Different and more beautiful because it was mine, the one I picked out special and the one I wore so, so often for almost three years. I wore it at my sister’s wedding. I wore it on countless airplanes and on more than a few dinner dates. She was my buddy.

Like a kid with a piggy bank, I saved up to buy it, did math on my fingers figuring out where to cut back here so I could spend there — and “there” was the scarf.

Because I knew the Hermès scarf would be worth it. Appropriate everywhere, anywhere, this is the practical/fabulous fashion accessory that goes with everything. It dresses up jeans; it’s perfect at dinner. The intricacy of the pattern, the rich colors of the yarn, the attention to detail; the Hermès scarf is a timeless object of fashion and style. These are textiles made by people (in Paris) who love what they do — and I love what they do! I love the curlicues, the softness, the restrained riot of color and shape. But because you pay for that beauty — as well you should — no mere mortal can afford to like, pick up an Hermès scarf. They’re kray-kray expensive. So for a long time, I could only covet.

But at the end of 2014, I got good news after my pouchoscopy and was going through the tough time post-NYC/Yuri and being new in town in DC and I decided that while I couldn’t buy a new Hermes scarf, I could buy one used on eBay — and frankly, I needed a treat. There were many used scarves to choose from and so I pored over the offerings, checked the seller’s ratings. I clicked around and clicked around and bam: I found The One.

The One was navy blue and “Mary Fons Red” (!) and perfect gold and pale pink and gold and pink and blue and red. Roses. Ropes intertwining. Leaves. Blooms. Curlicues. Vines. That scarf was me if I were a scarf. We were perfect for each other. I gulped. I checked my bank account. I hit “Checkout.” And when it came, I knew I had done the right thing. When I wrapped it around my shoulders, I felt safe. I felt beautiful. I felt like an adult. That scarf made me feel like a woman I wanted to know.

Bye-bye, scarf.

Look, I bought her used. I was that scarf’s second life. Well, she has a third life, now (so far, no Lost & Found Department has called.) I only hope whomever has her tonight understands what a fine thing they have happened upon.

Wrap yourself up in her loveliness. Stand taller. Dry-clean.

 

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