I Love My Lil’ Punkins.

Sometimes I sit down to clack out the ol’ PG and the post writes itself. Other times it takes forever to put things together in a non-awful way and I fail at that all the time. I enjoy writing every time, but on nights like tonight, when I’m sleepy but still committed, I hope for a post that is simple to put together, one that doesn’t demand much research or intricate weaving of information.

It’s not going to happen tonight because I have hit a goldmine of information about my all-time favorite candy: the mellowcreme pumpkin.

Yes, the mellowcreme pumpkin; that Agent Orange mellowcreme pumpkin with the Wicked Witch stem. Woe betide the man or woman with a cavity, for that chubby candy will cause you to wince and realize you really need to get that looked at before you reach for another and just chew on the other side.

I didn’t need any other information about candy punkins to enjoy them but now that I read the Wikipedia entry on them, I love them more than ever. Apparently, the pumpkins are considered “candy corn’s first cousin,” which is adorable. Then, I learn that the pumpkins are made of “corn syrup, food coloring, honey, and sugar…beaten and heated in large kettles to produce an ultra-sweet syrup. This syrupy mix generically is called “mellowcreme” by confectioners, since the resulting candy has a mellow, creamy texture” and I thought the “mellow” was a play on “mallow,” like “marshmallow!” No. Then one of my favorite words in the English language was engaged in the description of the next step: “the mellowcreme slurry then was divided into two uneven amounts, with the large amount receiving orange food coloring and the smaller receiving green food coloring.”

Slurry!

I realize that was the work of the author of the post, but it adds to the charm of pumpkins, as well as this sentence: “Once dry, the candy is shaken violently to remove excess cornstarch and a final glaze is added to give the candy pumpkin a sheen.”

Violently!

So now I love mellowcreme pumpkins more. In high school, I’d keep a big bag in my locker and distribute them to my friends between class. Anyone could’ve just bought their own bag, but mellowcreme pumpkins taste better when they’re contraband and given as a gift. You could call them “hot punkins.”